How to Develop Fierce Boundaries
The People-Pleasing Recovery Programme
Let me be brutally honest about something many of us struggle with: chronic people-pleasing. I've been the kind of woman who says "sorry" when other people bump into her, who sometimes agrees to things she doesn't want to do, and who, occasionally, still puts other people's comfort before her own wellbeing.
Where does this come from? Usually a combination of conditioning to be "nice," past relationships where keeping the peace meant making ourselves smaller, and societal messages that women's value comes from how much we can offer others.
But here's what Durga is teaching us: people-pleasing isn't actually kind or loving. It's self-abandonment disguised as virtue. When we constantly override our own needs to make others comfortable, we're not serving anyone. We're just teaching others — and ourselves — that our feelings don't matter.
Working with Durga energy is like having a cosmic bodyguard who whispers: "You are allowed to have preferences. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to protect your peace."
Learning the Language of Boundaries
Setting boundaries used to feel impossible because many of us literally don't know what they're supposed to sound like. "No" feels mean. Expressing our needs feels selfish. Protecting our energy feels antisocial.
But Durga teaches us that boundaries aren't walls — they're gates. They allow the good stuff in and keep the draining stuff out.
Instead of: "I'm so sorry, but I don't think I can make it..."
Try: "That doesn't work for me, but I hope you have a wonderful time."
Instead of: "Well, if you really need me to..."
Try: "I'm not available for that, but I can help you brainstorm other solutions."
Instead of: Agreeing to plans you don't want and then feeling resentful
Try: "Let me check my energy and get back to you."
Instead of: "Sorry for bothering you, but could you maybe..."
Try: "I need..." (No apology required for having needs!)
The Energy Vampire Inventory
This month, I invite you to honestly assess which relationships and situations consistently drain your life force. The constant complainer. The one-upper. The guilt tripper. The boundary pusher. The energy leech who leaves feeling great while you feel depleted. And the user — that person who only contacts you when they need something but is never available when you need support.
Protecting Your Sacred Energy
The grey rock method has been a lifesaver — becoming as boring and unresponsive as possible with draining people. Giving short, factual answers without sharing emotions or reactions. The 24-hour rule: "Let me think about it and get back to you." The broken record technique: repeating your boundary calmly without explaining or justifying it.
Creating the Connections You Deserve
Beautiful goddess — you are not responsible for managing other people's emotions or fixing their problems. Your energy is sacred, and you have every right to protect it. The people who truly love you will step up to respect your boundaries. Those who were primarily interested in what you could do for them may naturally fade away — and that's actually a blessing. ✦