"I want to be honest about what this journey cost me — not in money, though twenty-five euros a month for what I received feels almost offensive in its affordability — but in comfort. In the story I'd been telling about who I was. In the perfectly constructed walls I'd built around the parts of me I'd decided were too much, too broken, too complicated to look at directly."
I am French, grew up partly in Paris and partly in Lyon, have lived in Amsterdam for twelve years. I'm forty-one. I have a good life by most measures and a quiet grief underneath it that I had gotten very skilled at not acknowledging. I started this journey thinking I might find some practices to feel a bit better. I found something that asked me to actually be well, which turned out to be a much harder request.
Gaia was the root — slowing down enough to feel my own body, something I'd been avoiding. Durga was the reckoning with my anger, which I had been softening into sadness for most of my adult life because anger felt less acceptable. Brigid was the creative fire I'd let go out. Saraswati was the voice I'd been shaping for an audience instead of speaking from my actual interior. Lakshmi was the worthiness work that made me realise how much of my life I'd been living slightly outside of — participating but not quite receiving.
And then Shakti. The integration month. Where you take all five goddesses into a ceremony and feel how they've lived in you, changed you, left their mark. I did mine alone, early morning, candles lit, the five objects I'd gathered over the months arranged in front of me. I spoke each goddess's name and said what she'd given me and I meant every word in a way that surprised me.
I'm not a fixed person at the end of this. I don't think that's the point. But I'm a truer one. The difference between performing your life and inhabiting it — I didn't have words for that before. I do now.
"Six months felt long when I started. Looking back it was the fastest and most necessary thing I have ever done for myself. Don't wait until everything is calm. Start now, exactly as you are."